Would you ever get married to someone outside of your race? Or perhaps, outside of your nationality? Would you marry somebody who is not of the same faith as you? A conversation with a (yoruba) friend of mine got me thinking long and hard on this issue. I asked her if she would ever consider dating an Igbo man, the fiery response I got back was "God forbid! Olorun maje!". (Please forgive me, my nigerian friends if the spelling is wrong) Now I don't exactly know the politics between the different tribes in Naija but I can tell you that sister girl was not looking to get too up close and personal with any man whose name doesn't begin with Ola...or Tola... or Bola... or end in ...femi or ...yemi or ...kemi.

Funnily enough the guy I wrote the last poem about got into contact. Some background: We had issues, timing was always off. I wasn't over my ex, then I was bereaved then he was bereaved. So we had a total break from each other for a few months, saw other people. But then we hooked up again and decided we wanted to try again. We were sorting out our issues when she pops up, told him she was pregnant (3 months gone) and keeping it and determined to make a go of it. He refuses to be with her and she's been doing some pretty amazing things to get him to be with her. But he is a stubborn goat and gets her out of the situations she gets in, tells her its for the sake of the baby and then reminds her they are not together. I'm sure she has a voodoo doll with my name on it. Anyways...

My stupid MSN Live Messenger is always logged in because I always ignore it I was not too bothered until I saw the dreaded flashing orange bar with his name on it.

Being either brave or stupid (you decide) I decided to reply and hi. This is what I hear: His whore is overdue, if she's not given birth by next week she'll be induced and he'll be someone's daddy. It's my fault I confess I asked him if he was a daddy yet so what did I expect? Then he is like oh am I married yet? What's that supposed to mean. He saw me in town with a guy added two and two and came up with 75. Anyway he decides to let his feeling out about how he's sorry he hurt me and he never meant to. I believe him, I've had the unfortunate experience of dating some pretty big assholes who have enjoyed hurting me and he was never like that. But who cares? It's the same result if I'm hurt isn't it?

Wait before I depart into ramble mode, I need to let you know the fuckeries. The whore got kicked out by her mum and guess who she's living with now? It's like rubbing salt in my wounds, they r living together like cute little family unit. This shouldn't hurt but it does. And the worst, worst, WORST thing is I haven't spoken to him in a couple months and I was dreaming that in that time she would lose her baby, so I could be happy again. Now he's telling me he's so sorry and he didn't want to bring his drama into my life. Then he tells me he loves me and has done for a while. So I'm crying now because I do still care about him, I'm crying because she really is going to have his baby and I'm crying because I wish I could find it within me to not wish such horrible things on a pure innocent party that I secretly wish was mine.

Fuckeries.

This is something I wrote to help me start getting over someone who I was never with but have been finding it really hard to get over. It's ALWAYS the ones you don't expect...

Should I just let it die.

This thing we've tried

I poured myself into you

I tried so hard.

And you could be the medicine to my pain

But you can't

I thought maybe I could be your love

And I can't

I thought it would work.

But it's not.

I don't think you're not ready.

I think that it's just me.

And you.

We don't quite fit.

But maaaaaaaaaaaan seeing you with another will kill me,

I'll be so jealous,

Because I think you will try,

But you wouldn't with me.

I think you'll love her

But you couldn't love me.

Why is the timing always wrong?

My ex? Your Uni? Your Baby?!?!?!

It's not meant to happen.

It's just not.

I thought it would work.

I thought one day I would be your love

And I can't

And you would medicate my pain

But you can't

I did try hard

I poured myself into you.

But this thing we've tried

We should just let it die.

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens

I can empathise with Mary J. When she cried for No More Drama...and yet I can't quite make it work in my life. Consider...

I split from my very nice boyfriend of several months (around 6 I think...) because I was on this whole no more drama hype. As lovely as he was he had some fundamental 'flaws' that we could never get past:

1. He's inkremoni (tr. Muslim) and I am not, and I've met too many people whose lives have been messed up because of the differences in their parents' religions. Sorry, I know it may work for some people but I'm not interested in that wahala (tr. Drama) in my life.
   
2. He's dodgy. Like D-O-D-G-Y, as far as I'm concerned there are enough opportunities in this country for someone raised in the system to do something with their lives. He's a fast approaching 30, graduate who takes great pride in having never had a job. He's not on benefits and is living it up! No! C'mon I feel like I should be past that kind of dodginess in my life, as I've iterated before I feel like I am on the cusp of starting a wonderful life where my looooooong education is finally going to pay dividends. Look, I've done the ride-or-die chick thing before; at 23 I'm not interested in having your back if the police catch you. I'm older now and I'd probably be more inclined to think 'Good! You deserve to be caught! What are you thinking? GROW THE HELL UP!'That's drama man.
   
3. He's alatani (tr. Nigerian) and before you people start on the racist hype. Listen. I've been with my fair share of Naija guys before and I just cannot abide the whole 'I'm Nigerian, we're the best' thing, how about 'I'm Ghanaian, I love being Ghanaian and I don't want to contend with the part of you that secretly believes your people are superior to mine!' Neither is it fair on him that I have inbred bad feelings about Naija dudes (OK that's not strictly fair or true, I think Ghanaian guys can be high wastage too!). But I would be a big fat liar if I did not acknowledge his very alata-ness was a problem. ASEM! (tr. Trouble)
   
4. He's a lovely guy but really, I can't have a relationship with a man who can go for weeks, yes! WEEKS without feeling the need to see me when we live in the same 'regions' of London (Southside, that's where I'm coming from!)
   

Aww, bless him though he's nice, just not for me.

So I moved on with the help of an old, er, flame. Grrr, he is sooo the epitome of Ghanaian male wastage! Consider...

We have history and the whole idea was that now we have no separate dramas in our lives we should give it a real go. THEN he announces the drama of all dramas that no girl wants to hear...there's some chick expecting his child. WTF? ASEM! So, after his pleas and various (annoyingly childish) 'tests' of my loyalty and thinking long, deep and hard, I decided it is pretty unfair to judge a guy on the basis of one mistake, even if that 'mistake' results in a new life.

Nice, aren't I?

Well, I think so! I mean for many people that's an automatic no-no and I thought I'd try the mature route...fat lot of good it did me! He is as childish as when I first started seeing him a couple years back. Despite all his talk he's still essentially a child. I mean 'tests', really?!?!?! That nonsense always ends badly. It's sad though because I really, really, REALLY like him but I think he's incapable of being in an adult relationship. W-A-H-A-L-A, I'm sorry but it's not about babysitting grown as men!

Then there's the friend, who I believe is absolutely amazing! I (not-so-secretly) adore him. He's mature and straight-forward, God fearing and about something. I can tell him anything and everything. We can jam for hours and sometimes it is that nice kind of jamming, where neither of you say much of anything but you just enjoy each other's company. BUT, there's this underlying sexual chemistry that's growing...Which really isn't a problem...until you factor in the knowledge that he does not want a relationship. He generally treats me so well that, heck, I'm only human! I fantasise about being with him and sometimes when I look at him I know it's written on my face...as in this boy is not stupid and he has categorically informed me that he knows how bad I want him by the way I look at him. Before my flustered, embarrassed ass can reply he also told me that I shouldn't feel bad in the slightest because extremely explicit thoughts cross his mind whenever he's around me. Now, it's out there it's like walking a tightrope...I don't want to lose my friend! But DAMN! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ASEM!

I really can empathise with Mary J. but someone needs to show me how to achieve this ideal of no more drama. I mean without getting bored. Because when I get bored I always get into some other trouble and it begins again. Oh DRAMA, WAHALA, ASEM!

They say church men are the worst men. Do you agree? Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a man who will get out of his warm bed on a Sunday morning to pay his respects to God. Is that not something all of us christian sisters want?

However there are strange occurences that happen in God's house that lead me to believe that everyone is in church for their own agenda. And trust me, it is not always about worship.

I remember, around three years ago, my church held a single's night. (And before you start jumping to conclusions, let me make it clear: it was NOT about desperate singles scouting for the perfect partner). It was a seminar, followed by a discussion and refreshments. During the discussion, I was amused to find that a great deal of people find themselves in God's house on a Sunday morning to check the gyals dem (or the man dem). And I'm not talking about horny teenagers, these people are grown folk!!

Here are the top five methods these not-so-sly hopefuls will use:

1. The line. Everyone who goes to church knows the line. It goes like this , "sister, the Lord has directed me to you, and the Holy Spirit is telling me, you're the woman for me". If you ever fall victim to this manoeuver, your response should go like this "Really? Well, I haven't heard anything from God, so while I wait for Him to speak to me, could you keep your distance? Thanks".

2. Watch out for those who plant themselves in certain departments you know they have no business in joining. If Mr. Hopeful decides to join the choir as soon as you join, and you know he can't hit a single note, that is cause for concern. You may laugh, but a young man, the other day, confessed to me that he joined the welcoming team after catching sight of one of the new comers. He knew he had no interest in this department, and once he had caught this girl in his net, he left the welcoming team as quickly as he had joined.

3. Next, be weary of the young men who are so eager for you to join their department. "Sister, I have been studying you for some time now, and I can see you will be perfect in the announcements team". Need I say more? Once the two of you are working side by side...

4. Also watch out for those who insist on sitting next to you sunday after sunday, all the while hoping for Pastor to say, "give your neighbour a holy embrace". You know exactly what I'm talking about. They make a bee line for you regardless of where the usher has placed them, and wait for the right opportunity to make their move.

5. Lastly, there are those who invite you to theirs after the service "for sunday lunch". *wink wink*. If you fall for that one, you deserve a good beat down.

I'm not just picking on the men. Women try to pull these moves too. lol!! Anyway, I will finish by saying there is nothing wrong in using an opportunity to get something you want. But people make the whole "dating agency" thing their primary goal on a Sunday morning. And when you're on the receiving end of their "advances", it can all get a bit tiring. By the time the last "amen" has been said, you're ready to breeze out of church!