Soul's On Fire

Funnily enough the guy I wrote the last poem about got into contact. Some background: We had issues, timing was always off. I wasn't over my ex, then I was bereaved then he was bereaved. So we had a total break from each other for a few months, saw other people. But then we hooked up again and decided we wanted to try again. We were sorting out our issues when she pops up, told him she was pregnant (3 months gone) and keeping it and determined to make a go of it. He refuses to be with her and she's been doing some pretty amazing things to get him to be with her. But he is a stubborn goat and gets her out of the situations she gets in, tells her its for the sake of the baby and then reminds her they are not together. I'm sure she has a voodoo doll with my name on it. Anyways...

My stupid MSN Live Messenger is always logged in because I always ignore it I was not too bothered until I saw the dreaded flashing orange bar with his name on it.

Being either brave or stupid (you decide) I decided to reply and hi. This is what I hear: His whore is overdue, if she's not given birth by next week she'll be induced and he'll be someone's daddy. It's my fault I confess I asked him if he was a daddy yet so what did I expect? Then he is like oh am I married yet? What's that supposed to mean. He saw me in town with a guy added two and two and came up with 75. Anyway he decides to let his feeling out about how he's sorry he hurt me and he never meant to. I believe him, I've had the unfortunate experience of dating some pretty big assholes who have enjoyed hurting me and he was never like that. But who cares? It's the same result if I'm hurt isn't it?

Wait before I depart into ramble mode, I need to let you know the fuckeries. The whore got kicked out by her mum and guess who she's living with now? It's like rubbing salt in my wounds, they r living together like cute little family unit. This shouldn't hurt but it does. And the worst, worst, WORST thing is I haven't spoken to him in a couple months and I was dreaming that in that time she would lose her baby, so I could be happy again. Now he's telling me he's so sorry and he didn't want to bring his drama into my life. Then he tells me he loves me and has done for a while. So I'm crying now because I do still care about him, I'm crying because she really is going to have his baby and I'm crying because I wish I could find it within me to not wish such horrible things on a pure innocent party that I secretly wish was mine.

Fuckeries.

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4 opinionated people have something to say:

Mike said...

o! i love the term "fuckeries". Where should I send the check? Cos I'm gonna use it for sure.
For now, I'm debating on wether to be straight-up or to console you. Since I'm comenting on this entry (versus the previous), there is going to be more comforting. I'm very human, and the Anthony Hamilton video didnt help either.
I realized that not all doors in life "have" to be opened. Take this as one of those doors best left un-opened in real life for now. If y'all meant to be together, it will happen when you least expect it.

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens said...

I'll live! I think maybe I was in denial for a while about the new arrival, so I think it all sunk in a bit. He didn't have to top it off with I love you thou! That was so unfair!

Feel free to use fuckeries as and when you please! Beautiful term! Lol. Thanx 4 the support, I think I just needed to cry it all out. If it's meant to happen it will, I just don't think it's meant to happen :-(

What was the straight-up comment? I'm really interested to know...

Mike said...

Straight up is that you didnt try hard enough. He didn't try hard enough either (probably did not lack female attention).
But lets talk about you.
You loved the idea of liking him very much but something must have kept you from
trying a little harder to bring the dream of you 2 being together, to reality.
Perharps his values were different from yours? you were scared of him turning you out? (good girl meets Don Juan).
I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt that he has no reason to
lie to you. If he says he always loved you, believe that and wear it as a badge of honor.
I know a guy that experienced something similar. He knew the girl was hurt
but he still told her he loved her because he sincerely did. What was it worth?
Worth the girl knowing she was worthy of sincere love.

Nsoromma...Child of the Heavens said...

I think I tried hard enough...but then I'm biased aren't I? I guess it's difficult to ever sincerely know that.

But I never really though of feeling blessed that he loves me. The idea of wearing it as a badge of honour never occurred either. Right now, I'm feeling worthy and honoured to be loved, not because I don't deserve it, but because I do. And he knows it too. Thank u!
:D

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